


I Choose You

by maximusreader



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Insecurity, M/M, Magnus Bane & Catarina Loss Friendship, Mentions of Cancer, POV Magnus Bane, References to Depression, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, and vulnerable, and were honest, if they just like, im so sorry, past catarina loss/ragnor fell, slow burn elements, spoke to each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-01
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-04-06 06:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19056667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maximusreader/pseuds/maximusreader
Summary: Everyone has the first words their soulmate says to them written in their soulmate's handwriting somewhere on their body. But Alec and Magnus' soulmarks are such commonplace things to say, how are they ever supposed to know if they've actually found their soulmate?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my first chaptered fic! I hope you like it, it is self-edited and my two brain cells tried their best, but please forgive any errors.  
> Thank you!

Alec chuckled in the mirror, admiring the new artwork on his skin. Clary had truly outdone herself, creating a tattoo that effectively hid his soulmark without making it disappear completely. She had even successfully talked him into getting a watercolor tattoo. It was an angel with bright wings, the ink flowing out and around the cursive “thank you, have a good day” of Alec’s soulmark. After living with diagnosed depression for so long, and really learning to not let it control his life, his soulmark helped remind him to be grateful for the small things and work to have a good day. It totally transformed the meaning the soulmark had for him. He hadn’t found his soulmate yet and the older he got, the more he lost hope. It certainly didn’t help that he had a phrase that he heard at least twenty times a day.

“This is amazing,” he said, shaking his head, turning back to her to let her wrap it up.

“I’m so happy you like it,” she smiled, “you’ve been tattooed by me before, so you remember all of the aftercare instructions right?”

Alec nodded and slipped his shirt on, “Don’t worry, Clary, I’ll take care of it.”

“I’m just saying,” she said, snapping her gloves off, “you did slice through one of the ones on your arm.”

Alec leveled a look at her, letting her know that he was not amused. He was the chef at his café, and sometimes a knife slipped into the skin. Especially when you’re young and learning. When he was eighteen his brother, Jace, convinced him that it would be a good idea if they got matching tattoos. So they went out, determined, and it turned out that Clary had been shadowing an artist there. At the time she wasn’t quite an apprentice – because she still wanted to go to school first – but she was still happy to act as secretary and start learning the ropes.

Jace and Alec had been more than a little stunned to realize that the small redhead who had greeted them by saying, “I swear if you don’t realize that this is a permanent change to your body, please leave,” was Jace’s soulmate.

Especially considering his response had been, “What’s your problem?”

Gripping his brother’s shoulder, stopping Jace from saying something stupid (again), Alec said nothing and lifted up the hem of his brother’s shirt. Allowing Clary to see her own messy print and the sentence that she had just spoken written into Jace’s hip.

Fourteen years later Clary had opened her own tattoo shop and was fortunate to have experienced so much success with it. She had wormed her way enough into Alec’s good side that she felt comfortable teasing him about his first tattoo, the one that had been tragically lost to the kitchen knife in culinary school.

When Alec had finally had enough money saved up he went to Clary to get a cover-up, and had only been tattooed by her since then.

“Watch it, Fray,” he said, pointing a finger at her, “the time will come when you need a sitter, and I just might conveniently be out of town.”

Clary just laughed, gently cradling her tummy, and sent him on his way. They had businesses to run.

Not long after Alec left Clary was working at the front desk when the phone rang, “Good morning, thank you for calling Pandemonium Tattoos, this is Clary.”

“Biscuit it’s been too long since I last heard your voice,” the caller responded.

“Magnus!” Clary exclaimed, “I’m so happy to hear from you, are you back in the states?”

Magnus had spent the past seven years traveling with Doctors Without Borders, figuring if your father is going to try and buy your love, might as well do something meaningful with the money. Asmodeus Bane financed Magnus going to North Carolina for his undergraduate degree, Texas for his medical degree, and California for his residency. He graduated debt-free and went out to travel the world and give back to it. But it also meant that after he left, he was never back in the city for longer than a week or so. It had broken Clary’s heart when she got married without Magnus there, neither of them sure when he would be back in the states. If that day would ever come.

“Yes, I’m back in New York, permanently this time.”

“Magnus I’m so happy to hear that, I need to be in the shop all day today, but is there any chance I can finally convince you to let me tattoo you?”

She could so perfectly envision Magnus throwing his head back, eyes crinkling around the corners while he laughed, “You know what,” he chuckled, “sure. When do you want me to come?”

“If you can get here in half an hour that’d be perfect.”

Hanging up Clary smiled to herself, opening a folder on her computer where she kept her own artwork and references for more tattoo ideas. Magnus was four years older than her, and she truly saw him as an older brother. But over the past 19 years they had not successfully been able to see each other in person. Magnus had gone out to travel the world and the country, while Clary was happy to stay in the city. But they still kept in contact, and managed to keep their relationship strong.

Clary had teased Magnus that if he ever came back he would have to come and get a tattoo from her, she had so many ideas for him, but she was never sure if that would be something he would be in to. Just because she had sleeves didn’t mean that everyone she knew and loved would want that too.

“Excuse me,” a voice sang out, “I’m looking for the world’s best tattoo artist!”

“Magnus, holy shit, how are you?” Clary ran up and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

Magnus pulled back to look at Clary, stunned by how far she had come from the fourteen year old kid always covered in paint that used to follow him around. Her mom had taught art at the private school Asmodeus sent him to, and instead of going home Magnus more often than not stayed after school with Mrs. Fray. He helped Clary with her homework and somehow they each still liked each other enough to hang out when they were both going through a major transitionary period in their lives – puberty.

Now, that kid that he used to eat apple slices with after school was standing in front of him with a ring on her left hand, tattoos down her arms, and even some starting to creep up her neck. Her shirt billowed a bit from her stomach, and Magnus had a hunch that he knew the reason for that. His little sister had grown up.

“Biscuit, you’re not a kid anymore!”

Clary laughed, “No, I’m not. I’m so grown up that I have my own baby on my way.”

Magnus shook his head and followed Clary through the shop, eyes lingering on all of the art on the walls. His biscuit has been very busy.

“This is my work space,” Clary said, taking a seat on the rolling stool, “Can I show you what I would really love to ink into your skin forever?”

“Thank you so much for saying it like that,” Magnus teased.

Clary smiled and held out a piece of paper, looking back at him was Bugs Bunny dressed as a waitress.

“Because we used to watch Looney Toons together?” Magnus whispered, and Clary nodded.

“I thought it might look nice by your soulmark, since the handwriting is that blocky lettering, we can make it more sarcastic in tone, more humorous. I’ll keep it pretty 2D and true to the nature of the cartoons. And because the words are horizontal there’s space for a full body Bugs. I don’t know if that fits your soulmate’s personality-”

“I wouldn’t know either.” Magnus met Clary’s eyes, “I haven’t met them yet. I would love to start to hide it, I’m thirty-four and this phrase, ‘Hi I’m going to be serving you today, are you ready to order?’ is one that you hear literally every time you go out to eat, no matter where in the world you are. I’ve grown to resent this, and I would really like to love it again.”

Clary nodded and began to set up, “My first appointment this morning actually had a similar perspective for his own soulmark. His is a really common phrase too.”

“Oh?” Magnus extended his arm out to Clary.

“Yeah, my brother in-law, actually. His soulmark is on his pec and he said he got tired of feeling resentful every time he saw it in the mirror.”

“Well I’m glad that I’m not the only person who is doomed to live a life without every really knowing if you’ve met your soulmate. But never mind that for now, please tell me more about what’s going on with you.”

“Well,” Clary began, “even though he’s a detective and has an incredible record, my husband is, hands down, the dumbest man I’ve ever met…”

Two hours later Magnus looked down at his arm and smiled, feeling like he could just start giggling, “I see how people get addicted to this.” On his arm was a smiling Bugs Bunny with a silly wig, and even a speech bubble around the words of his soulmark.

Clary laughed and started explaining the aftercare instructions and wrapping it up so Magnus could be on his way.

“I’m so happy to be home,” Magnus whispered into Clary’s hair as he left the shop.


	2. Chapter 2

“How are we doing back here?” Alec called out, walking into the kitchen where Rafael, Simon, and Lydia (the sous chef) were wrapping up the last of the lunch rush.

“I still don’t understand why you wanted to fill in for that girl today,” Lydia called out, not looking up from the food she was plating, “you don’t exactly make good tips with the customers, and it was another training shift. One of her last ones, and she kind of sucks.”

“Thanks,” Alec rolled his eyes, filling up a tray with food, “and you know I like to see first-hand how the customers are reacting to the food. No one actually cares about filling out customer survey cards, or if they hate something very few people will actually send it back. If we need to change a recipe because people are reading it on the menu and getting turned off by it, I’m only going to know that by waiting tables. And Aline hasn’t said anything to me yet, I don’t get involved until she needs me to, I trust my restaurant manager.”

“Don’t lie,” Simon called out, tossing a salad, “you’re just scared you might somehow fuck up your new tattoo back here and Clary will kill you in your sleep.”

Alec narrowed his eyes at Simon, causing the other man to start to hide behind Lydia.

“Do you still want my blessing to marry my sister?”

Simon squeaked and went back to chopping vegetables.

“Yo,” Lydia banged her spatula on the shelves next to the food set to go out, “don’t let the food die like this, take it out!”

Magnus walked into Hunter’s Moon, the café where he was meeting Catarina for a late lunch, and smiled. There was a very relaxed atmosphere to the place, calling Magnus in and inviting him to hang out a bit. There was a rustic feel and reminded Magnus a bit of Europe as he could see kept with all of the liquors behind the bar were a couple of espresso machines. He could very easily see this as a space people could feel comfortable in at any time of day.  

“Good afternoon,” Magnus sang, sliding into a chair in front of Cat, “how are you today?”

“Oh, you know there’s nothing quite like transitioning into life in a new country,” Cat smiled, placing her phone face down between them, “even if it was the one you grew up in.”

“Not to mention the fun of crossing the equator,” Magnus chuckled, pulling his jacket off and rolling up his sleeves, “good-bye warm South Africa, hello NYC freezing winter.”

He rested his arms on the table and Cat gasped, “Magnus! Did you get a tattoo? Is that real?”

“Cat it’s still bleeding, of course, it’s real!”

“Wow, I never anticipated you getting inked, how does it feel?”

“I feel like it hurts more now than it did when she was actually digging the needle in,” Magnus chuckled.

“That’s pretty normal,” Cat told him. She had several tattoos all over her body. The two of them had met when they began DWB together, and she decided to make her body her scrapbook. There was a tattoo for every country she had been to, commemorating the important lessons she felt she had learned along the way.

“I feel like I can literally feel how the skin is just not there, it literally feels like an open wound.”

“That’s what a tattoo is! It totally fucks with your nerve ending for a bit,” Cat laughed, and Magnus hid his face behind his hand as he laughed with her.

“Hi, I’m going to be serving you today, are you ready to order?” A deep voice came from next to them.

“Hello!” Cat responded, chatting calmly with the waiter about what kind of food might be good for sharing, giving Magnus the time to soak in how handsome the man next to them was.

He was so tall, and Magnus imagined that Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome was even taller than he was, at least by a couple of inches. He had rich black hair, neatly trimmed and gelled a bit to one side. His dark eyebrows framed his face so nicely that Magnus had the desire to cradle that jaw in his hands, with a lovely neck tattoo of an owl stretching his wings. It looked so soft that Magnus felt like he could reach out and feel the feathers on his fingertips.

“Okay, great,” the man took the menus, “I’ll go put that in for you.” His eyes met Magnus’ as he offered a small smile and nod before he was gone.

“He’s got a booty too, Cat I might have to marry him,” Magnus smacked his lips.

“Magnus, you haven’t even been back in the states for a week, could you at least wait a bit?”

“What can I say,” Magnus shrugged, standing up as his phone started ringing, “I’m a man who knows what he wants. I’ll be right back, this might be that chief of surgery position I interviewed for yesterday.”

“Do you know how to take time off?”

Magnus was often referred to as a work-oholic, but he thought it was to his benefit as a doctor. He was always reading medical journals and studying. He needed to be at the top of his game, these were people’s lives that he was responsible for. Most doctors struggled to maintain a home and work balance, and Magnus definitely fell into the category of prioritizing work over all else. Clary and Cat were really the only friends that he truly worked to maintain the friendship. But when it came to an actual relationship, he was always gambling that a person might actually be his soulmate. Eventually, he stopped paying attention to the soulmarks altogether. But each relationship ended the same basic way, the hours that Magnus kept made people feel alienated from him, knowing they weren’t his top priority, and he left before he could get too invested and really hurt. He had learned that lesson the hard way when he came home early one day and found his girlfriend in bed with another man. He’d really thought that he had finally found the one he would go the distance with. Instead, he found a woman who wanted her own Magnus Bane Puppet.

“I look forward to continuing our conversation,” Magnus smiled, pacing in front of the café, “I’ll see you soon, have a good day. Thank you.”

Hanging up, Magnus lifted his head up towards the sky and let out a big sigh of relief. There was still another interview that had to happen, but based on the conversations he’d had leading up to today, he was so sure that the position was his. All of the hard work and sacrifice was paying off. The best kind of revenge for heartache is success.

Sliding back into the booth, Magnus’ mouth watered at the food Cat had ordered for them.

“You really forget how unique American food actually is when you’ve gone for so long,” he said, shaking his head at the chicken strips, onion rings, chicken wings, and potato chips. Along with a large glass of beer for each of them. “I thought I was the one who was the alcoholic in this friendship,” he teased, taking a big sip.

Cat just tossed some of her blue braids over her shoulder and smiled in response. The two of them had not wasted any time getting back to stepping up how they dressed for day-to-day life. Cat hadn’t even been back in the city for a full day before she was in the hair salon, getting those lovely blue braids. During their time in service, they had practiced medicine in areas where there was absolutely no access to running water, to places that wouldn’t have been accepting of a man wearing make-up and a woman with anything other than her natural hair. As a psychiatrist it was especially important to Cat that her clients felt like she was an authority figure in her field, and that they could trust her.

But New Yorkers had certainly seen stranger things than a man wearing a bit of makeup and a woman with multi-colored braids.

At one point during their conversation, the waiter came back, right as Magnus took a messy bite of a chicken wing, to see how they were enjoying their meal. Magnus did his best to hide the sauce around his lips, offering a thumbs up instead of actually speaking. Before the handsome man walked away again Magnus could have sworn that he saw the hint of a smile from those rosy lips.

“Shit, it’s so late,” Cat jumped up, “Magnus I’m so sorry, I need to be at my apartment in twenty minutes to let the cable guy come in to set up my internet.” She looked up with so much guilt in her eyes, and Magnus just shook his head.

“Darling, I completely understand. Go home, I’ll take care of this.”

As he stood up to give her a hug, the handsome waiter came back and awkwardly put their check on the other side of the table before walking away.

Magnus finished his beer and checked his email while handsome waiter came around again to take the card to the register.

“Thank you for dining with us today,” he said, and this time Magnus focused on the deep rumbled and slight New York accent.

Magnus smirked and cocked his head to the side while he signed the cheque, adding a sizable tip.

“Thank you,” he replied, standing, “have a good day.” As he walked past he got as close to the handsome waiter as he could without totally invading the other man’s space. Stepping out into the cold winter weather, Magnus felt his tattoo acting up again in response to the cold weather.

Back in the kitchen, Alec messaged his family group chat, “I forgot how ‘fun’ the tattoo healing process is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello! I'm back with another chapter! Next week I promise there will be more Malec and less Magnus and Alec.   
> Thank you so much for reading, if you want to hmu and talk to me I'm on tumblr @bisexual-highwarlock   
> See you next week!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Otay, so I know I did just post something yesterday, but I really like this chapter and it's my birthday so rules don't apply to me right now lol   
> I hope y'all like it!

Hunter’s Moon was Magnus’ new favorite place to go for an afternoon pick-me-up. It had absolutely nothing to do with the handsome waiter that had served he and Cat. At least, that’s what he told himself on the third day of going into the café and getting served by someone else. This Heidi girl seemed sweet enough but it looked like her boss, he assumed the manager or the owner, was rapidly losing her patience. Magnus could understand that, he had waited a considerable amount of time for his salad three days in a row.

“I’m terribly sorry you had to wait so long,” the manager said, bringing Magnus his salad and a slice of cake, “she’s a trainee, but she should be able to handle a table with one or two people by now. I’ve asked the head chef and owner to prepare a special dessert to apologize and thank you for your patience.”

“Oh dear,” Magnus said, worried, “that’s not necessary, I assure you. I know this job can be hard, especially when you’re new.”

“Please,” she said, “I insist.”

The manager smiled and left Magnus with his book and food. Magnus tucked into his salad and wondered if maybe that handsome waiter didn’t actually work there anymore. Hence why they were training someone new, to fill in that gap.

Magnus turned back to his book and wondered if maybe he would be so lucky as to be blessed with handsome waiter’s presence again.

That night Magnus sat in Clary’s living room, listening as her husband banged around the kitchen.

“You said your brother-in-law was a chef, why isn’t he back there cooking too?” Magnus asked, wondering if maybe he should go back and save the poor man from himself, “It sounds like Jace is really struggling back there.”

Clary shook her head, “Alec says that trying to get his siblings to listening to his advice on how to cook is like trying to train a cat how to sit.” Magnus cocked his head, “It takes a lot of energy and patience and if you’re used to dogs over cats, it’s near impossible to train a cat.”

Magnus snorted, “What does that even mean?”

Clary giggled, “I think it’s just him trying to say that he doesn’t want to try and teach his siblings to be better cooks. I honestly think he’s happy to watch them fail for themselves because they always bite off more than they can chew.”

“Should I have gotten something to eat before coming?”

Clary coughed on the sip of wine she had been drinking and laughed, “That’s exactly what I asked Alec the first time Izzy tried to cook for us! They barely let her operate a microwave she’s so bad. And Alec always brings a really rich and heavy dessert to make sure we’re full.”

Magnus laughed and Clary got up to answer the door when the buzzer rang. Not long after were several loud voices, the loudest being very feminine.

“Okay everyone,” Clary called out, walking back around the corner, “You’ve all heard so much about him, I would like you all to meet Magnus.”

“Oh my gosh!” that loud female voice somehow got louder as a woman with long black hair came up and wrapped Magnus up in a tight hug, “We really have heard so much about you, I already know we’re going to be great friends.”

Magnus chuckled and gave the woman a few pats on the back before pulling back to actually get a good look at her face. She was a very beautiful woman, on the right side of her neck was a bright bird flying.

“It’s lovely to meet you, dear,” Magnus said, “I didn’t catch your name, though.”

“Oh yeah,” she chirped, tossing some hair over her shoulder, “I’m Izzy, Alec and Jace’s little sister.”

Magnus smiled and shook hands with Simon and Max, already totally enamored with the twenty-one year old kid in front of him, and thinking that it would be all too easy to mess with Izzy’s Simon.

“Is the big brother not joining us this evening,” Magnus asked Clary.

“No I’m here,” Magnus turned toward the kitchen and had to blink rapidly, because there was no way that handsome waiter just walked into the living room.

“Hey,” handsome waiter held out his hand for Magnus, “Alec.”

And there it was, that boyish smile that Magnus had be so hoping to see again. Magnus took his hand, “Hello, Alexander, it’s truly a pleasure to meet you.”

Alec seemed to be at a loss for words, only smiling as Magnus preened under his gaze. Magnus would be willing to testify in front of a judge that he heard string music playing faintly in that moment. Across the room, Max let out a cough that sounded suspiciously like, “disaster gay,” and the moment broke.

For the rest of the evening Magnus kept Alexander in his peripheral vision, wanting to know and learn as much about this man as possible. He was quiet, but still part of the conversation. He communicated with his face and his hands far more than he articulated his thoughts. Clary and Jace had a rectangular dining table and it didn’t go unnoticed by Magnus that Alexander was the only person seated at the head of the table. With seven people at the table, Alexander was somehow part of every conversation. He would interject by saying a name, giving a look, cause another round of laughter, and sit back in his seat, quietly sipping his beer.

Magnus leaned closer on the table, “I must admit,” Alec blinked, surprised that someone was actually speaking directly to him, “when biscuit invited me to dinner tonight, I was anticipating things being far more awkward.”

The corners of Alec’s eyes crinkled a bit as he leaned in, the alcohol coloring his cheeks beautifully, “And what have you found instead?”

“An alpha watching over his pack.”

Alec let his head drop as his shoulder shook in silent laughter, “I must admit, that’s a first.”

When Alec lifted his head back up to meet Magnus’ eyes, Magnus met the intensity of his gaze. He felt like his heart had moved to his throat, and it felt like it took all of his strength not to reach out and just let his fingers trace every bit of the face in front of him. It was almost like Alec had been constructed from marble. Before he could stop himself Magnus whispered, “Beautiful,” and watched Alec freeze, as though he had actually been turned to stone.

“I mean your tattoo there,” Magnus cleared his throat and pulled back a bit, “why the owl?”

Alec relaxed a bit, “Jace, Izzy, and I each got bird tattoos on our necks, and Max got one on his ribs because it was his first tattoo,” he explained, “We tried to figure out which bird represented each of us the best. Clary helped a lot, tattooed us too. Jace and Iz decided that the owl was best for me. In general they’re quiet animals, but they are used as symbols for wisdom and mystery. They told me that both of those qualities suit me well.”

“And what did your siblings get?”

“Izzy got a sparrow. She works as a forensic pathologist now, and when we got these she was getting ready to go get her masters. But the sparrow is said to be a protector for the souls of the dead, which I think suits her well. Jace has a hawk, which is supposed to represent bravery and protection. He works as a detective now, but he’s been a cop since he was twenty and dropped out of college.”

“Oh my, and dear Max?”

“Max has a cardinal, a nod to him being the youngest. Cardinals can be used to represent youth and he said that he was always going to be the most youthful of us all.”

Magnus laughed outright at that, “I like that kid.”

“Yeah,” Alec chuckled, not taking his eyes from Magnus, “he’s a good kid.”

Magnus twisted in his chair more, angling himself as close to Alec as possible. The noise in the rest of the apartment had fade to white noise for him. For all he cared, in his head, he and Alexander may as well be at a bar together, just the two of them.

“So what about you?” Alec said.

“What about me, what?” Magnus smirked, cocking his head to the side.

“Has Clary forced you into her chair yet?”

“Don’t make sound like Sweeney Todd!” Clary protested, but Alec and Magnus didn’t look away from each other.

“Actually, yes,” Magnus said, pulling up the sleeve of his shirt to show off his forearm, “she re-worked my soulmark.”

“I love that,” Alec said, leaning in closer to inspect it, a smile playing on his lips, “she’s very talented. She re-worked my soulmark too, she makes it look like it was meant to be part of the tattoo in the first place, right?”

“I’m very proud of her,” Magnus agreed, “But with this being my first tattoo, she did not tell me that it actually hurts more while it’s healing than it did while she was tattooing.”

“Just wait until it itches and you’re not allowed to scratch.”

“That sounds like actual torture.”

“It’s pretty close.”

“When do you know it’s healed?”

“When you stop feeling it.”

“What the fuck,” Magnus laughed, resting the back of his hand on his forehead while he fell back in his chair.

Alec’s responding laugh and smile, made Magnus’ whole day. Butterflies flew around his stomach, telling him that it was so important that he kept this man’s attention.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back back back back back again! I hope you enjoy this update!

Magnus walked out of Memorial Sloan Kettering, a cancer research hospital in Brooklyn and smiled up to the sun. When he was ten he had lost his mom to breast cancer, devastating himself and his step-father. The doctors told him that his step-father had died from heartbreak, unable to bear the pain of the loss. Cancer had devastating effect on Magnus’ life, sending him to his father’s house, a large and impersonal place where he felt utterly alone.

The transition from the suburbs of Ohio to life in the city, was a rough one. It was made all the harder by his father’s discomfort with children, so instead of a comforting parent, Magnus got a circulation of nannies. Different college age women would come in, for a year at most, to look after Magnus before leaving and going on their way. It wasn’t until Magnus started high school, and spent an increasing amount of time at school with Clary and Ms. Fray that Asmodeus started to feel that he was losing his only son. Magnus had been conceived in a one-night stand, and while Asmodeus paid child support and sent gifts, the two didn’t meet until the funeral. All Asmodeus knew how to do was throw money at something and hope that made it better.

For so long Magnus had felt bitter and angry about the cards life had dealt him. He truly didn’t start to count his blessings until he started Doctors Without Borders and saw how much of the world was struggling to just find clean water. No one could control cancer spreading, but industrialized countries could absolutely share their abundance of resources because there are so many people in the world dying because they can’t access the basics like enough food, or water, or the most basic health care.

Going to work at a cancer treatment hospital, taking every penny that his father was still sending and giving it to organizations like Doctors Without Borders, Magnus finally felt like he was winning a war he’d been fighting his whole life.

He happily skipped onto the subway, and blew into Hunter’s Moon, smile still bright on his face. In the days after dinner at Clary’s Magnus still went into the café, now knowing to look out for Alec in the kitchen rather than the dining room. Isabelle had also very helpfully pointed out that Alec always came out to check the pastry case at four o’clock. So, conveniently, Magnus was now always seated right next to the case, armed with flirtatious and witty comments.

He was late today because of his interview at the hospital, but Alec was still there, looking like he was fiddling around behind the bar. The bar manager, Maia, looked about ready to throw the man out the window.

“Oh, thank god!” Maia exclaimed seeing Magnus, “Take him away from my bar!”

Magnus laughed while Alec spun around, eyes wide and cheeks red, before spinning right back around and trying to cover his face with his hands.

“How’s it going, handsome?” Magnus sang, coming up by Alec on the other side of the bar. So far when he saw Magnus sitting out by the pastry case he only made polite conversation, only really engaging when Magnus asked out how business had been going for that day. Seeing Alec like this, flustered and embarrassed was so endearing, Magnus just wanted to steal him away and keep him all for himself.

“Hey, Magnus,” Alec spun again and Magnus couldn’t help but wonder how this man hadn’t gotten dizzy yet, “How are you today?”

“Fantastic,” Magnus smiled, “even better now that I get to see you.”

Alec looked like he was so very much trying not to smile, instead asking, “So, um, what was on the schedule for today?”

“I interviewed to be the chief of surgery at a cancer research hospital.”

“No shit,” Alec smiled, leaning in, eyes sparkling.

“Yes shit,” Magnus matched the intensity of Alec’s smile, leaning in even closer. They had gotten so close that Magnus felt the tension that had be building between them, and as Magnus watched Alec’s eyes fall to his lips, Magnus knew that this wasn’t a one-sided attraction.

“Did it go well?” Alec murmured.

“I think I can expect a call by the end of the workday tomorrow,” Magnus said, closing the space and resting his forehead on Alec’s.

“We should celebrate then.” Alec said, before his eyes got big again and he pulled back, “Well, I mean, if you want to. You know? Like maybe you want to do something with your other friends, we just met, but I was just thinking it might be nice, to take you out, and-”

“Alexander,” Magnus said, hovering a finger over Alec’s lips, “That sounds wonderful.”

Alec smiled, slow and shy, but just as bright. Magnus felt his chest tighten, feeling those butterflies fluttering in his stomach. So he would do something with his hands instead of giving into temptation and kissing Alec right there, Magnus reached out and brushed a loose strand of hair from Alec’s eyes.

“Great,” Alec breathed.

“It’s a date,” Magnus said with a wink, before turning on his heels and leaving the café, feeling like he had begun floating even higher.

Magnus knew how first dates went. Alec was going to pick him up at six thirty, because it was the middle of the week the dinner rush was lighter than it was on the weekends so he could leave the café to function without him guilt-free. The two of them would go somewhere nice, but not too nice, and Magnus would order something that was moderately priced. They would share some wine, or a specialty cocktail. If things went well they would get dessert, and Alec would walk Magnus home. They would stand at the entrance to the building and Magnus would likely invite Alec up for a drink. But Alec would be a gentleman and decline. Tonight, in all likelihood, would not be the night of the first kiss. Again, Alexander is far too much of a gentleman. But instead there would be an innocent kiss on the cheek, and Magnus would turn and go into his building, ending the night there.

First dates were not an issue for Magnus. This part was simple, in the early bits you hold yourself back. Don’t expose too many vulnerabilities. Don’t get too attached lest something goes wrong, if you fall too fast the pain of the heartbreak increases exponentially.

But as Magnus answered Alexander’s buzzer and left to meet him at the door, Magnus couldn’t feel hopeful that this time would be different. That maybe he was finally going on his last first date.

Alec was standing outside Magnus’ apartment building, trying his very best to look nonchalant and social on his phone. Really all he was doing was refreshing his email over and over, as if something really important would come in at six thirty on Wednesday night in the milliseconds between the page being refreshed. He wasn’t entirely sure why he was so nervous, it wasn’t as if Magnus was the first man he’d ever asked out. But it had still taken Izzy telling him to get over himself and just Magnus out for him to get to this point. He’d even gone so far as to ask her to help him pick an outfit. Alec was by no means the most fashionable person in the world, but he knew how to make himself look put together. But for some reason his standard jeans and button-up had felt insufficient.

As Magnus stepped outside, Alec realized that it was fruitless to try and equal Magnus in fashion. The man was beautiful in every sense of the word, and Alec felt his breath catch in his throat. The truth was, Alec couldn’t help but be in such awe of this man, that he couldn’t help but wonder why Magnus Bane was giving him the time of day. He couldn’t understand what Magnus must see in him that made him agree to a date. But Alec decided that, for now, that was a question that didn’t need to be closely examined. For now, what mattered was that Magnus was standing in front of him, blinking up at Alec through his lashes, the hints of a smile playing on his lips.

“My, Alexander,” Magnus purred, “you aren’t a snack, you’re a five course meal.”

That broke the spell, and Alec looked down and shook his head, laughing, “That has to be the worst one to date.”

“Speaking of dates,” Magnus said, “where are you taking me tonight?”

“Well,” Alec held out his arm for Magnus, which he gladly took, “if you’re up for it, there’s a great food hall just a couple of blocks from here.”

“A what?”

“A food hall, it’s a food trend that’s been gaining some popularity around the world. It’s basically like food trucks but indoors. The one we’re going to tonight, Berg’n, is known for craft beers and has a pretty good range of food options.”

“That sounds like fun,” Magnus said, smiling up at Alexander.

Maybe Magnus doesn’t know everything about first dates after all.

Berg’n was located in a large brick building, and the main dining area was full of people talking. It wasn’t overly crowded, but the atmosphere was still lively and fun. There were also enough people around for Magnus to justify holding Alec’s hand as they walked around to make sure they didn’t get separated. While Alec ordered barbeque for them, curious to see how it would hold up to Magnus’ expectations because he got his undergraduate degree in the south, Magnus dropped his hand and lightly slapped at his still heeling tattoo through his sleeve.

“You okay?” Alec asked, leading him to a table.

“Yeah,” Magnus smiled, “I think it’s just because it’s been a week since I got this, it’s really starting to bother me you know?” Alec smiled and nodded, setting out their food in front of them, “It’s also my first so I keep feeling paranoid that maybe it’s actually infected.”

“I get that,” Alec took a sip of his beer, “my first tattoo I kept thinking that I hadn’t properly taken care of it and all of the ink was going to fall out while it was healing. Instead, about a year later I sliced through it during one of my classes.”

“No!”

Alec nodded and rolled up his sleeve, pointing out the scar through the cover-up, “Clary will still gives me shit for it.”

“I don’t blame her,” Magnus laughed while Alec rolled his sleeve back down.

“But as long as it’s not inflamed or swelling excessively, I think you should be fine. I got a tattoo last week too, it’s my first pectoral tattoo and while it heals it feels totally different from all of my other tattoos.”

“The human body is so fascinating,” Magnus said, and took a bite of his pulled pork sandwich.

“Well?” Alec raised an eyebrow.

“It’s good,” Magnus conceded, “but no one can beat the barbeque they make in central North Carolina.”

“You almost sounded like a true southerner.”

“I am the most southern in my opinions on barbeque and college basketball.”

“I can’t say that I have any opinions on college basketball.”

“That’s because you didn’t go to a school in the ACC,” Magnus teased, “But really, as long as you don’t cheer for Duke I think things are going to be okay.”

They spoke easily for a long while. Talking about topics ranging from why they chose the professions that they did, to what they saw themselves doing five years down the road. Magnus felt himself relax as the evening continued, pleased that they weren’t too awkward with each other, able to give and take well as they conversed.

After they ate Alec did come up to Magnus’ apartment, but it was only because they hadn’t been able to find an appealing dessert at the food hall and Magnus had a collection of sorbets in his freezer. He was really enjoying the many amenities and luxuries that life in the states offered.

Because Alec was so different from everything that Magnus predicted, when the chef stood next to the door, he had no idea what to expect next. The anticipation made his heart pick up speed, and the air around them grew thicker.

“I had a lovely time tonight, Alexander,” Magnus murmured.

“Yeah,” Alec breathed out, licking his lips, “maybe we can do it again sometime?”

Magnus felt himself consciously holding back from pressing his body up to Alec’s. He was so very aware of the other man, so aware of how they were oriented to each other, the distance between them. Magnus couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t known what to do. Couldn’t remember the last time he was close enough to count another person’s eyelashes, but still so far away. The anticipation was rising, and Magnus felt like he could just vibrate out of his skin, like he might actually explode if Alexander didn’t do something.

He hadn’t even known it was possible to feel this way at his age, but here he was. Unable to verbally respond to Alexander, Magnus just nodded, catching his bottom lip between his teeth. He saw Alexander’s breath catch in his throat.

Magnus’ limbs felt heavy, like he was being weighed down by molasses, as Alec leaned over and softly pressed his lips into Magnus’ cheek, “I’ll see you soon.”

And then he was gone, but the tension still hadn’t broken. If anything Magnus now felt like he was drowning in it, as though he were on a rollercoaster that just kept going up, anticipation growing with every second. Alexander Lightwood may just be the death of him.

But what a wonderful way to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am from central NC and we have the best BBQ ever, and this is a hill I am willing to die on. The next chapter is a shorter one so keep an eye out for another update around the middle of this week...


	5. Chapter 5

Magnus huffed as he reloaded his online medical journal subscriptions. He had read everything he found even remotely interesting, including research outside of his specialty. It was Friday, and he didn’t start work until nine in the morning on Monday. He had even completed his paperwork for his first day, so when he arrived he could get straight to work.

Magnus had no work to do. He sat looking out at his apartment. He had unpacked and organized everything, and the apartment was so clean it was shining. He felt like he could just scratch himself out of his skin.

It wasn’t even noon.

“Fuck it,” Magnus muttered, grabbing his jacket and walking out the door. It was blisteringly cold outside, but going on a walk was still far preferable to sitting around his apartment bored out of his mind. Maybe it would be slow enough at the café that he could see Alexander. He had been short a cook the day after their date so they weren’t actually able to talk for longer than a couple of minutes before Alec had to get back to work. That certainly wasn’t helping his tension either. A quick hug and fast conversation weren’t close to what Magnus was hoping for at all.

 “Magnus!” Aline called out from the back of the dining room, “Perfect timing, Alec just stepped out back for his break.”

Maybe if Magnus wasn’t already so keyed up he might be embarrassed that the staff already knew him so well that they knew he was only coming for Alec. It hadn’t even two weeks since they met.

Sure enough, Magnus found Alexander leaning against the wall in the ally next to the restaurant, by the kitchen door. His hands were shoved deep into the pockets of his coat and he had a gray beanie covering the tips of his ears. He had his eyes closed and earbuds in, so Magnus took the opportunity to just look. He tried to remember if he had ever met anyone so beautiful before. No one came to mind.

Some of the buzzing calmed down, but he still slapped his tattoo through his clothes. Clary said that if it itched it was a good thing, that meant it was healing. But he still wasn’t allowed to touch it unless he was cleaning it or putting lotion on it. He never realized how gratifying it is to scratch your own skin until he was literally not allowed to do so. It felt like all of his vibration was beginning right there in his forearm, like if he didn’t do something soon he’d literally start climbing walls. Especially after his date with Alexander, the damn thing was itching like he had the chickenpox contained to that one part of his body.

Alec opened his eyes as Magnus got closer, smiling softly, “Hey,” Magnus watched his breath puff in the cold air.

“Good morning, Alexander,” Magnus whispered as Alec shoved his earbuds into his coat pocket. The man couldn’t move an inch without Magnus being aware of it.

“What are you doing out here in the cold?”

“I have no work to do and I’m going out of my mind,” Magnus chuckled, “so I went for a walk decided to come see if you had a minute to talk.”

“Anything in particular you want to talk about?”

Magnus watched Alec’s lips while he spoke, not realizing that he was leaning in closer until he felt Alec’s breath on his face. He twitched when he realized how close they were, but before he could lean away Alec wrapped an arm around his waist. Magnus reached out and gripped Alec’s coat collar. Their noses brushed against each other.

“Alexander,” Magnus whispered, and that was it. The rollercoaster finally fell, and Magnus felt the adrenaline course through his veins as his lips met Alexander’s again and again. They were both over thirty years old, they weren’t supposed to stay outside making out in the cold like teenagers with their first crush. But that’s what they did, only stopping for air, and only pulling apart when one of Alec’s chefs came out and yelled at them.

The rest of the day went much better for Magnus. He even didn’t notice how itchy his tattoo was anymore. That night, Magnus supposed that he was just too distracted by the butterflies fluttering in his stomach to notice.

When Alec returned to work, he stopped noticing the irritation in his own fresh tattoo. He dismissed it as the usual signs of a healing tattoo, and allowed himself to get distracted by thoughts of Magnus each time he got a moment of pause.

When Izzy and Cat heard the story, as well as the (totally unrelated) new calmness of the tattoos, the two women smiled to themselves, suspicions and theories growing with each word the men said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! It's a very short chapter today, but I'll be back this weekend with the next one. Please enjoy! Next chapter is angst...


	6. Chapter 6

A routine was established not long after Magnus began working at the hospital. At the end of his second week he felt settled in. He had a general idea of how they operated, and he had ideas of where he could improve things. Surgery was such a key part of what the hospital did, there was a lot of pressure to do well. But Magnus was never one to shy away from a challenge.

Alexander and he had made their relationship official on their second date, when Magnus took Alec out to a lovely restaurant. That night Alec had kissed him on his doorstep and asked for permission to call Magnus his boyfriend. Every minute he spent with Alexander felt like a dream. Magnus kept waiting to wake up. They had been together for two months, it had to be coming soon, he knew it.

“It’ll either be how much I work,” Magnus told Cat, “or he’ll actually find his soulmate and leave.”

Catarina just looked at her friend sadly, “Why are you so sure he’ll leave you?”

Magnus sighed and looked down at his drink, “Because I don’t think I could successfully walk away from him if I tried.”

“You don’t think that maybe you’re creating a self-fulfilling prophecy?”

“I’m just trying to keep myself safe,” Magnus whispered.

Catarina sighed and watched her best friend retreat into himself, thinking that it was safer and therefore better. She wished there was more that she could do, but she had watched as Magnus built up these walls. Brick by brick he shut out so many people, and anytime someone got too close to him, he left them behind. There was always something, some flaw that he would concentrate on and turn into enough reason to leave them.

Soulmates are still like any other relationship. You have to choose each other, over and over, every day, for it to work. You have to be willing to risk heartbreak to find the purest form of joy in the world. She had watched soulmate relationships end, and saw the aftermath of the hurt. So often the solution was so simple: apologize. Even if you don’t believe that you were wrong, swallow your pride and apologize. The payoff was always so worth it.

“Have you tried talking to Alec about these concerns?”

Magnus snorted, “Nope, then he’ll think I’m so super invested. This just needs to be fun. Relaxed. Why should I try to lock down someone who will leave? Why should I plant seeds of doubt in his mind myself?”

Cat sighed and swallowed the rest of her drink.

Across the city, Izzy was looking at her oldest brother through a haze a tequila and wondered if it would be wiser to throw something at him or just hit him.

She couldn’t reach him so she settled for throwing a pillow.

“Hey!” he said, looking betrayed, “what was that for?”

“Because you’re dumb,” Izzy said simply, sipping more of her drink.

Alec blinked at her. His eyes were as big as an owl’s but he clearly wasn’t nearly as wise as one.

“If you spend the entirety of your relationship waiting for Magnus to leave you, what the fuck do you think is going to happen?”

“I’ve made my peace with it, Iz,” Alec said, and Izzy swore she felt her heart break, “he’ll be happier with someone other than me. Every minute with him is a gift, but I’m not enough, not really. He deserves more than me.”

Alec swirled the ice around his drink, and thought about Magnus. He just wanted to curl up with the other man under a blanket and spend years on a couch. In a small world of their own creation. But for Magnus, this was nothing more than a fling. Something casual so they could have fun, and eventually Magnus would leave. People who shine as bright as Magnus Bane are rarely satisfied with people like Alexander.

When Izzy went to bed that night, she wrapped Simon’s arms tightly around her and asked the he just hold her. She didn’t to be anywhere else in the world, and she just wanted to feel him hold her close. He kissed her head several times, and didn’t fall asleep until she had, resolving to ask her about it in the morning.

A week later Magnus went to Alec’s apartment for dinner and a movie. Which, for them, translated to, “eat dinner and then make out on the couch while some movie plays in the background.” They never made it past the couch, neither of them willing to put themselves into a more vulnerable position than the one that they were already in.

There was a routine to it. Magnus would arrive, bottle of wine in hand, and Alec would welcome him in with a kiss. Then, Magnus would sit on the counter while Alec finished cooking and talked about their days. Both of them were very careful not to let on too much when something upsetting had happened, not wanting to put that burden on the other man. They were both also careful never to offer to share these emotional burdens, emotional intimacy was a risky thing. It was the greatest form of intimacy that two people could share. Should they share these emotional burdens it would just make the end hurt all that much more.

While they ate dinner they would talk about the news or pop culture. These were safe topics, superficial, but it was still conversation. From there Magnus would move to the living room to pick a movie while Alec cleaned up the kitchen. They would watch it for a little bit before they would look at each other, and more often than not, one of them ended up straddling the other man’s lap.

Sometimes, Alec would look down out of the corner of his eye and let himself imagine. Imagine a lifetime with Magnus. A lifetime of watching movies together, eating dinner together. A lifetime where he knew Magnus trusted him with every part of himself. They had spoken a bit about things like what it was like for Alec to come out, and for Magnus to lose his mom. But there was so much that was left unsaid. The truth of their feelings was kept quiet between them.

Sometimes, when they paused to catch their breath, it would look like one of them might say something. The words were always on the tip of his tongue, always ready to give in and let the other man in. But then the other man would crash into him again and they would get lost in the kiss.

In one such moment, Alec would look at Magnus with so much hope that Magnus could feel his stomach literally knot up. It was too cruel. They could be so great. But Magnus knew in his gut that there was no way Alexander would stay with him, he just wasn’t that lucky. So many important people had left already. Even his relationship with Clary had only been maintained because long-distance relationships like that can easily be as shallow as you need them to be.  

Magnus relished the moments where he was able to cradle Alexander’s face in his hands, feeling like his entire world could be reduced down to those two hazel eyes. There was a universe there, galaxies waiting to be discovered. Magnus knew that it could be so easy, to just tell Alexander that he could feel himself falling in love. They kept each other and arm’s length, but there was nowhere in the world that Magnus felt safer than wrapped up in Alexander’s strong arms.

At the end of each date night, Alec would kiss Magnus good night at the door, and they would go to bed in their own separate beds. Each of them longing for so much more, but neither of them willing to admit it, terrified of ruining what they had. Terrified of it all ending before they were ready.

Alec had always dreamed that he might meet someone as kind and generous as Magnus. His mind was brilliant, and he spoke about cancer treatments with an ease that always left Alec in awe. Magnus could probably speak Pig Latin and Alec would be amazed. Without realizing it, Alec had built up a version of Magnus that was larger than life. He had created this idea of a man that could do no wrong, do no harm, was absolutely flawless.

But Magnus was waiting for the day to come that Alec realized that Magnus was nothing more than smoke and mirrors. He wasn’t as smart and amazing as Alec gave him credit for, and once Alexander realized that, Magnus would have to let him go.

One night, Alec really breaks the routine, stopping their making out on the couch and asking Magnus if they could talk. Immediately Magnus wanted to run to the door.

“I really like spending time with you,” Alec began, twisting Magnus’ fingers in his.

“And I with you,” Magnus said, feeling himself tense, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“Magnus,” Alec made eye contact, “what are we doing?”

Such a terrifying question. It could have so many interpretations, so many possibilities for the wrong answer. More bricks got added to the wall. Magnus knew what he really, truly, hoped they were doing. He hoped that they were beginning a lifetime together. He hoped that they were making themselves a necessity for the other. Magnus certainly already knew that he didn’t want to try and live his life without Alexander, not if he didn’t have to.

Instead, he told Alec the biggest lie he had ever told anyone, “We’re just having fun, seeing where this goes.”

“I hope we’re going somewhere good,” Alec admitted. It was far safer than the truth, which was, “I don’t know if I can live without you.”

Magnus leaned in then, reconnecting their lips. It was easier than having a hard conversation, but deep in his stomach, he felt warm at the possibility that maybe Magnus' feelings would be returned one day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry y'all, fair warning, it'll get worse before it gets better. I'll see you next week!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry y'all...  
> Heads up, I start this chapter with discussions of Magnus losing a patient to cancer. It's very brief but I really don't want to catch anyone off-guard.

Magnus feels almost numb as he rides the elevator up to Alexander’s apartment. He had lost a patient today. He had stepped in to help with this particular case about a month ago. She had reminded him of his own mother. She had two children, two years apart, and the youngest was five.

He had been so hopeful that morning. She was going into surgery that day, but the city was already feeling warmer. Shaking off the last the cold as they got closer to the end of March. The sun had been so bright. There hadn’t been a single cloud in the sky.

He had failed her.

He had failed her children.

He had failed her husband, who had to explain to the children what had happened.

He had failed.

Magnus knocked on Alexander’s door. Wanting nothing more than to fall back into their routine, he hadn’t seen his boyfriend in almost two weeks because of their crazy schedules. He didn’t want to burden Alexander with this, but he just might have to. Maybe they were finally at the place where they could let some of those walls down. Magnus just really wanted Alexander to hold him tight and never let go. He needed to know that he wasn’t wasting his time with Alexander. A lot of the time he usually spent reading and studying was being sacrificed for this man. He needed to know that it was worth it.

“Hey,” Alec said, welcoming Magnus in with a smile and a kiss, “I was starting to wonder if we were ever going to see each other again, with you so busy with work and everything.”

“What do you mean,” Magnus said, tensing slightly.

“What do you mean, what do I mean?” Alec chuckled, turning his attention to the stove, “Work has just kept you so busy I haven’t seen you in a while. I was starting to miss you.”

Right.

Magnus sighed, decided to try and let it go. They hadn’t fought once yet. Magnus didn’t want to change that over something small.

“Sorry,” Magnus put his hand to his forehead, “It’s just been a long day.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Magnus looked up into Alexander’s eyes. No, these were his emotions to work through. They were his responsibility alone. Alexander looked so happy. Magnus didn’t want to ruin it.

That’s why he never really understood why he did what he did.

Magnus took a sip of the white wine that Alec had poured him, and immediately spit it back out, “Fuck, gross.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Your wine is turned. This tastes like straight vinegar. When did you open this bottle?”

Alec sniffed his own glass and shrugged, “I’m not honestly sure. Sorry about that, let me get you a new one.”

“Yeah, maybe try not to kill me this time,” Magnus was trying to tell a joke, he really was. It just, didn’t sound right.

“Well, I’m sorry, maybe you host next time and it won’t happen,” Alec tried to keep his voice as even as he could.

“Or,” Magnus started, “you could actually check and make sure that your shit hasn’t expired before you serve it. You’re a fucking chef, you should know better.”

“Magnus-”

“But also, of course the food in your fridge is spoiled. Your place is a mess! Tell me honestly, when was the last time you picked up a broom?”

“Maybe the last time you tried to help me in the kitchen.”

Alec crossed his arms as he stared Magnus down across the room. The kitchen wasn’t that big, but the space between them suddenly felt enormous. Like they were each on their own tectonic plates, moving farther and farther away from each other.

“Oh,” Magnus said sarcastically, “I’m sorry I’m tired after spending a day at work and thought that my _chef_ boyfriend enjoyed cooking for me!”

“Are you fucking serious,” Alec laughed, but there was no joy in it, “you think I’m _not_ exhausted? Magnus, I cook all god damn day for a living! You don’t even offer to help clear the dishes after we eat, just going to the living room and waiting for me to clean up so you can crawl into my lap and make out with me until your done with me for the evening and leave. Leaving me to wait in suspension for when the next time I get to see you will be.”

“I’m sorry I thought we had a good routine!” Magnus shouted, trying his best not to cry, “I’m sorry I thought we had a good thing going!”

“Going?” Alec shouted, “We’re not _going_ anywhere! We only ever spend time here! I feel more like your booty-call than your actual boyfriend!”

“That’s not…” Magnus whispered, stunned. He had been trying his best. He had thought that he was making life easier for Alexander. They could just relax and unwind together. They had something good.

Alec crossed his arms and leaned against the counter, eyes burning a hole off to the side.

“How am I supposed to know any of this if you never say anything?” Magnus asked, voice shaking.

“Because we don’t _talk_ ,” Alec looked up, “not really. We’ve been together for three months now, but we’ve made about as much progress as two teenagers in the first month of their first relationship. It’s exhausting, wondering if you’re actually serious or if you’re just going to leave. I already know you care more about your job than me. Who knows what else you’re prioritizing over me.”

“I would never cheat-”

“I know you wouldn’t,” Alec was eerily calm, “But that doesn’t mean that I don’t even feel like I make the top five of your priorities.”

Magnus felt like he had been slapped in the face. Nothing mattered as much to him as Alexander did. He thought that he had been holding on to Alexander, like maybe they were both in this. Like they were on the same page, starting a new chapter together. Like maybe this time was different. But this conversation was starting to sound familiar. He knew what was going to happen at the end of this conversation. He had seen it one too many times before.

Deciding not to delay the inevitable, Magnus turned on his heels and walked right out the door, shouting, “Don’t talk to me for a few days, okay,” before slamming the door behind him. He felt like his heart had been sent through a food processor.

Left alone in his kitchen, Alec tried not to think about the hole that he could feel growing in his chest. Like he needed to wrap his chest up in bandages to keep it from splitting in half. Tried his best to pretend that he wasn’t about to cry.  

Instead, he grabbed a bottle of tequila and started drinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm sorry, next week we see some tough feels. But if a broken vase is repaired with gold, the end product is stronger than the original.   
> Feel free to yell at me on tumblr!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! Back again with another update, partly because I just really love Catarina in this chapter, but also I want to put some good energy out into the world and I really hope that this starts to show y'all hope for the end of the story.

Catarina watched Magnus down his third glass of whiskey in the past hour. She had only been there for an hour, but he had gotten off of work three hours ago. She knew that the most risqué drink that Magnus would have while he was working at the hospital or on-call was a Red Bull. So he had probably started about two hours ago?

By her math, which was flawless, he had to be pouring his seventh whiskey.

“When’s the last time you had any water, dear?” She watched him stumble back to his couch.

“Does it matter?” Magnus rolled his head in her direction, “I don’t have work tomorrow. I’m going to spend the entire day in bed tomorrow nursing my hangover, and I’m going to use this alcohol to burn out the memory of Alexander Lightwood.”

Cat wasn’t exactly certain what had happened, just that she had gotten a text Thursday morning asking if she had time to come over Friday night. When she asked if everything was okay, the only response was, “I’m just really tired of history repeating itself.”

“Okay,” she said, taking the glass from Magnus’ hands, “I’m cutting you off.”

It was time for Magnus to get a good, metaphorical, bitch-slap, and that couldn’t happen without him sobering up.

“Whyyyyyyy?” Magnus cried out, not even trying to get off the couch to retrieve his glass.

“Because,” Cat said, emptying out the cheap bottle whiskey Magnus had bought into his sink, “you may be comfortable spending tomorrow hungover, but hangovers are significantly worse if it comes after being rushed to hospital for alcohol poisoning.” She filled a small cup with water, and walked back into the living room, “Sip.” Not to mention the fact that he was wasted and it wasn’t even nine yet.

She then spun on her heels and began digging through the cabinets for good food to soak up all of the alcohol Magnus had just poured into his body. She gathered up the pretzels and began pre-heating the oven for a frozen cheese pizza. Just for extra measure she also found some duct tape and sealed up the liquor cabinet. If he tried to sneak more booze, as he tended to do while intoxicated, he wouldn’t be able to do so without her hearing it.

“I feel kind of sick,” Magnus called out, “do I really have to drink all of this?”

“Yes,” Cat said, marching across the living room and into his bathroom. She lifted the toilet seat up and turned the lights on, “If you think you’re going to puke get in here and hang out, but all you’re drinking for the rest of tonight is water.”

When Cat had been an undergrad student she hadn’t felt very comfortable drinking at parties, and instead took it on herself to take care of her friends as they drank the night away. When she did start drinking, she learned from their mistakes. She always made sure she was hydrated before she started drinking, and made sure to stay that way throughout the night. She would also carbo-load before going out, and before she went to bed she drank a full bottle of water and a bag of microwave popcorn before going to sleep.

So when Magnus came out of the bathroom after a bit, looking like he had far more control of his facilities than he’d had earlier, he didn’t protest when she continued to give him water and slices of pizza. Eventually, he seemed to be as sober as he was going to get that night. The only way to sober-up completely was to go to sleep, but Cat didn’t have time for that. Tonight was the best time.

“Magnus, what have I told you about my soulmate?”

“Not much,” he stared into his glass, “you told me that he passed away, and that his first words to you were some really bad, nerdy pick-up line.”

Cat smiled fondly, “I met Ragnor in a biology class in college. He came up to me during class one day and said, ‘Excuse me, are you the appendix, because I don’t know how you work but this weird feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.’ I’d had no idea what to say so I just sat there and looked at him for a moment before he apologized, saying that he’d just really wanted an excuse to talk to me. He was only taking biology to meet his science requirement, he was studying literature, so he had no idea what the teacher was saying most of the time. That’s when I told him not to worry, I was just really surprised because he’d said my words.” Cat paused and took a deep breath, “He always said that even without the words he’d never have to doubt that,” her voice trembled and she closed her eyes, “he’d never have to doubt that we were meant for each other.”

Magnus didn’t say anything, just walking across the room and took her hand in his.

“I think the two of you would have really gotten along. You both have this dry sense of humor, and you’re both just so caring.”

“I wish I could have met him,” Magnus whispered.

“Monday is the anniversary,” Cat said, laughing wetly, “It’ll be ten years. Ten years without him.” Magnus wrapped his arms around his friend, “I leave tomorrow to go to Ohio to- to- to see him.” She took a deep breath, feeling the burn of tears in her eyes. But she needed to tell this to Magnus, she needed him to understand what’s really at stake with soulmates.

“I’m so sorry, Catarina,” Magnus whispered.

Sitting back, Cat held Magnus’ hands in hers, and looked him dead in the eye, “Did I tell you about the fight we had? The really big one?” Magnus shook his head. “It was our last semester as undergrads. I was going to stay here in New York, but he was getting ready to go down to Atlanta for grad school. Looking back, we were both just so scared of that transition, of what it would mean for us. I don’t even know what set it off, but I was so mad that I went at stayed at a friend’s for a couple of nights. In the heat of it all, we both said things we didn’t really mean. Made the other feel like they weren’t worth it.” Magnus turned and looked down at the floor. “It was so awful, I thought that maybe there was a part of my chest that had been ripped out.

“After a couple of days, he showed up at my friend’s apartment, holding roses. When I answered the door he apologized repeatedly. I’d never seen him accept all of the responsibility like that. He asked to please talk about it, he just wanted to talk. We’d fought before, of course, all healthy relationships do. It’d just never been so…dirty before. We had both been holding back so much on what we were feeling, scared to burden the other, neither of us realizing that we both had the exact same fears.

“Our relationship was so much stronger after that. We shared our emotional burdens, even with the distance we suddenly found between us. We were rock solid.”

Cat took a moment and took some deep breaths, “It was a rainy day. It was April, and he was on the phone with me, laughing and talking about something that had happened in one of the classes he taught. He was just a year away from getting his PhD. Once he had that he was going to come back home to New York, with me. We had talked about the idea of marriage, each of us saying that we knew we would marry each other, but neither wanting to be engaged when we couldn’t be together to enjoy it.

“He was getting ready to go back to his apartment for the evening, but he said that he just wanted to hear my voice. That was it. He just missed me and wanted to hear about my day. We hung up right as he was leaving the building. I told him to let me know when he got home, joking that those silly southerners didn’t know how to drive in the rain.

“Two hours later his mother called me. She had just gotten the call and was breaking the news to me. I was in denial for a month. I didn’t even go to the funeral. I refused to acknowledge the reality that I had been confronted with. I knew my roommate was worried about me. But it wasn’t until I had finished my last exam of the semester, and called Ragnor’s cell phone, like I had been doing for the past month, when instead of going to voicemail, an automated voice told me that the number had been disconnected. After so long as long distance, it was easy to pretend that we just kept missing each other. But that automated voice, it broke me.”

Tears were streaming steadily down Cat’s face now, and Magnus wrapped her up tight, “Thank you for sharing this.”

“I’m not done,” she sniffed, and looked Magnus in the eye, “there is not a worse feeling in this entire world than losing your soulmate. I know I will never feel whole again. I can live my life well, and make him proud. I can believe with all my heart that we will be together again in the next life. But for all of the pain that I’ve had to experience, I wouldn’t turn back time. I wouldn’t try to forget Ragnor.”

“Why?” Magnus couldn’t understand that pain would ever be worthwhile.

“Because in those years that we were together, all the time that I did have him in my life, I wouldn’t trade the joy that I felt then for anything else in the world. If you think that there’s any chance at all that this Alec is the person you’re meant to be with. You should fight for it, let him into your heart. Take the gamble. Because if he is your soulmate and you let him go because of one fight, you’ll never know what it means to be the happiest you could ever really be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please drink responsibly! Drink water, eat food, and stay safe. https://preventionlane.org/young-adults-alcohol-safe-drinking-tips


	9. Chapter 9

Magnus woke up the next morning to walk Cat to the door. Both of their eyes were red and puffy from the night before, but Magnus was so grateful for his dearest friend. Her story weighed heavy on his mind as he showered and drank his morning coffee.

He knew that Alexander had said his words, but Magnus had no idea what Alexander’s soulmark said. He’d been so scared to ask, because if it wasn’t the first thing that Magnus had said to him, it might actually break him in half. But Magnus wondered, in the scheme of things, how much that mattered. He’d certainly dated plenty of people even though they hadn’t said each other’s words. Just because you have a soulmark doesn’t even necessarily guarantee that you’ll find them in your youth. You may not find each other until it’s your last days on earth.

Was it really wiser to remain alone, just because uncertainty lingered in the back of his mind? Or was Cat right, and the risk was worth it? She had been very adamant that if you took that leap of faith, and the other person was there to catch you, you could never know a greater happiness.

Magnus wandered through his apartment, dazed, cleaning up and tidying things that were all ready organized and neat. At one point, when his head started to feel heavy from the hangover he curled back under his covers and closed his eyes. He wondered what it would be like to fall asleep next to Alexander. If he would snore or if he would let Magnus keep his head resting on Alec’s chest through the night. If Alec would make them breakfast. Or if he slept in so breakfast would be Magnus’ thing. Something healthy to get their day started and fill them up with slow-burning calories so they would have energy the whole day.

Magnus sat up in bed and looked at his clock, deciding that he had time, jumped out of bed and walked as fast as could down the streets of the city. He made it about two blocks before he just started running.

When he burst into Hunter’s Moon, Alexander was placing the last tray of pastry back into the display case.

“I’m sorry,” Magnus heaved across the counter.

Alexander just blinked at him for a moment before he said, “Can we talk?”

Words escaped Magnus and he just nodded, turning and walking outside to the ally where they had their first kiss. Magnus stood across from Alexander, leaning on the wall and crossing his arms. Maybe he had been too late and Alec had already resolved to move on.

“Magnus,” he said, “I’m not good at apologies, but I’m sorry. I haven’t been honest with you.”

Magnus felt himself go still, so scared of where this conversation was going. He could feel tears stinging the back of his eyes. His throat felt thick, and he knew that if he tried to speak he’d just end up crying.

“A lie by omission,” Alec continued, “is still a lie, and I think it’s time I tell you the truth.” Magnus nodded his head once, encouraging Alexander, “Magnus,” Alec whispered, closing the space between them with long strides. One hand rested on the wall next to Magnus while the other cradled his face, “the truth is, you’re so important to me, but you terrify me. I know that you have the power to break my heart. I thought that if I just kept my feelings to myself I would be protected. Instead,” Alec sniffed, and Magnus realized that his eyes were puffy, like he had been crying for the past couple of days, “Instead, even when I thought I had lost you I felt my heart break all the same.” Magnus reached out and cradled Alexander’s face in his hands, still not trusting himself to speak, “The truth, the full truth, is I don’t know if I can live without you. And if relationships take effort, then I’ll put in so much work, one-hundred percent effort,” tears started slipping down his face, “I’m so sorry I hurt you, Magnus.”

Magnus felt the tears fall down his own cheeks, and he wrapped his arms around Alexander’s neck and buried his face in his chest. He had so missed him.

“I’m so sorry, Alexander,” Magnus whispered, “but I’ve committed a lie of omission too. I should have told you. You’re my top priority. I was so scared that you were going to leave me, like everyone else has done, that I just wanted to enjoy whatever time I got with you.” Alec wrapped both arms around Magnus’ waist and held on tight, “I can’t stop thinking about you. About the life we could have together, and I just got so scared, so scared that you wouldn’t want the same thing,” Magnus took a deep breath, “It’s just always been easier to walk away than watch someone walk away, but I don’t want to do that with you. I always thought I had to choose between my career and a relationship, but that’s not true at all. I’m all for effort.”

Alec leaned down and kissed him softly, and Magnus tangled his fingers in Alexander’s hair, enjoying the feeling of their mouths together. The delicate intimacy that came from sharing a kiss with someone so special.

When they broke apart to breathe, Alexander leaned his forehead against Magnus’ and whispered, “Can we start again?”

Magnus nodded and leaned back in to kiss Alexander again. Alec laughed and pulled away, “I meant with us, can we start again? With no secrets this time?”

“No pushing each other away?” Magnus whispered.

“No pushing each other away,” Alexander confirmed, “no matter how crazy things get.”

“I’d like that,” Magnus whispered, “Alexander Lightwood, I have no idea if you’re my soulmate, but if I could decide who I’d have as my soulmate, I’d choose you.”

Alexander kissed him again, and again, and again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for being late this week, but here it is! Up next is the final chapter and the epilogue!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter!

Magnus tumbled out of the car and started jumping up and down. Alec and his siblings had agreed it would be fun to rent a beach house for a week before Memorial Day, while the beaches were all still pretty empty. Magnus had talked them into Kure Beach in North Carolina.

“When I got my undergrad degree I used to love going down to that beach in the summer. It’s so small and perfect.”

They had rented a beach house right next to the water, and Magnus had insisted that they roll the windows down when they got to Kure. The speed limit slowed down to 25 miles per hour and the main road was right next to the ocean. Magnus said that if you didn’t take the time to smell the salty air you were basically wasting your time there.

Alec took their bags out of the rental car, smiling at Magnus as he inhaled deeply, like he was trying to memorize the smell of the ocean. They had decided to arrive a day before everyone else, really just wanting to spend the time alone.

“Alexander,” Magnus said, his voice getting lost and carried in the strong sea wind. His eyes were closed and his head tipped back, he had even taken his shirt off the moment the windows in the car were rolled down. Alec took the moment to just admire his boyfriend. He was so excited to share these kinds of moments with Magnus.

“Come on,” Alec said, “the faster we unpack the car the faster we can get down to the beach.”

Apparently that was some sort of magic phrase, because Magnus suddenly gained some kind of super strength and speed. Before Alec even realized what was happening himself, he was in his swimming trunks, a t-shirt, sunglasses, carrying a beach bag, and watching Magnus lock up the house behind them.

“Come along, darling,” Magnus extended his hand, “the sea awaits.”

Alec rolled his eyes and hissed as his bare feet touched the sand, “The fuck, Magnus! Could you please remind me what’s wrong about wearing sandals on the beach?”

“It’s illegal,” Magnus said simply, marching barefoot onto the sand, “and you’re fine, soon as you get your feet wet it doesn’t burn anymore. Or dig your foot in a bit more to the sand, it’s cooler there.”

Alec shook his head but followed, Magnus could be incredibly dramatic, but if he asked Alexander would walk to the edges of the earth just to get the man a mediocre smoothie.

“Oh, Alexander,” Magnus whispered, inhaling deeply, “I can’t tell you how much I love this beach.”

Frowning, Alec looked around, confused. To him it looked just like any other beach. Surely there were nicer beaches in the world?

“Why? It looks like it’s not much more than the sand and ocean.”

“Exactly,” Magnus said, giving Alexander a quick peck on the lips before spreading out their beach towels, “Now, come on, let me get this sun lotion on you.”

Sitting down, Alec closed his eyes while Magnus took his time massaging the lotion into his skin. He began at the back and rubbed the lotion into his neck and shoulders. Trailing a hand around him, Magnus crawled into Alexander’s lap, startling him.

“Magnus, wha-”

Magnus just pressed his lips against Alec’s and began running his lotion-covered hands over the front of his boyfriend’s torso.

“Come now, Alexander, surely you didn’t expect me to only get your back,” Magnus trailed off as he stared at Alec’s right pectoral, “How have I not noticed what your soulmark said before?” Clary had tattooed beautifully around the natural soulmark, deeply saturating the skin with colorful ink to achieve a watercolor look so it was also very easy to be distracted by the color and miss the words altogether. The cursive it was written in was incredibly close to Magnus’ own neat looping scrawl that would become messier the faster he was trying to write scripts. Magus traced his fingers over the mark, trying to focus on taking in air into his lungs. He felt like the air was getting thinner.

Worried, Alexander wrapped two arms around Magnus’ waist and pressed a kiss onto his shoulder, “Well, typically when you see me shirtless we’re pretty focused on other activities.”

Magnus bit his lip and smiled, in the weeks after they decided to start again, the emotional intimacy had led to increased physical intimacy. Magnus had never felt so exposed before in his life, and they both would relapse sometimes and push the other away. But somehow, they kept coming back to each other. It certainly helped that after a bad fight neither just left the building, they had watched many a movie in angry silence before working things out.

“That’s true,” Magnus said and looked Alexander in the eyes, “You know I’m quite certain that’s the first thing I ever said to you.”

“Really?” Alec breathed, a hesitant hopefulness coloring his face, remembering the day the met when Alec was filling in for a server, “But wouldn’t we have felt something in our soulmarks the day we met?”

“Alexander, we got tattooed on our soulmarks the day we met,” Magnus reminded him gently. Thinking of his own Bugs Bunny tattoo on his forearm asking to take your order. Soulmarks did have a physical sensation when soulmates first meet each other, but it would be indiscernible from the sensations of healing tattoos.

“That’s right,” Alec’s eyes went wide, “So I guess we’ll never know for sure?”

Magnus ran his hands up and down Alec’s shoulders, “No probably not.”

“Do you want to know a secret?” Alexander leaned his head against Magnus’.

“Hmm?”

“I don’t particularly give a fuck if the words on our bodies match the first thing we said to each other or not.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because it wouldn’t change a thing. I would still choose you, over and over again. I would still wake up each morning and fall more and more in love with you.”

Magnus felt his breath catch in his throat. They hadn’t said those words to each other yet. He had known that he had been feeling that way, be hadn’t dared hoped that Alexander felt the same. Not so soon.

“You love me?” Magnus whispered, tangling his fingers in Alexander’s hair.

“I love you so much I might just burst, Magnus Bane.”

“I love you too, and I’ll choose you too, every day.”

They leaned into each other, lips brushing softly. Feeling like they had found home in the other man. There was safety in each other’s arms, in knowing that they were committed to each other, to making it work. The universe be damned, soulmarks be damned. All that matters is they found each other, and they worked hard everyday to build the foundation for the rest of their lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! Next week is the epilogue for this story, just something nice and fluffy to wrap things up. I do have another story already in the works so please keep an eye out for that in the weeks following the conclusion of this one! 
> 
> Also, Kure (cure-ee) is a real beach and it's beautiful!


	11. Epilogue: 2025

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six years into the future, and just pure fluff.

Magnus’ hand trembled has he pulled a hair down from his head. He and Alexander were preparing to go to Jace and Clary’s for Thanksgiving, and their toddler was running around the living room, singing about her excitement to see her cousins. It was as though she hadn’t just seen them days before.

If hadn’t been for Alexander’s strength and vodka, Magnus isn’t certain he could have survived the terrible twos last year.

“Alexander,” Magnus cried out, feeling as though he might cry.

Moments later the bathroom door burst open and Alec – shirt only half buttoned and untucked – looked around, eyes wide, “What? What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is anything broken?” He’d been operating on minimal levels of sleep for so long that it took very little get to set off his alarm bells.

“Alexander, I’m dying!” Magnus held out his right hand, where he was holding the gray hair he had plucked from his hair.

“What am I looking at here?” Alec blinked.

“The first signs of my inevitable death!” Magnus looked at him like Alexander should have figured it out for himself, “It’s a gray hair!”

“Magnus,” Alexander sighed, shoulders relaxed he walked fully into the bathroom and wrapped his arms around his husband, “Thank god, I thought it was something serious.”

“This is serious, Alexander! I’m turning forty in a few weeks, this gray hair is a sign that my youth is gone forever. With it will go the beautiful man you feel in love with.” Alexander snickered, “I’m serious!”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” Alec said, leaning back and pressing a quick kiss to Magnus’ lips, “But can I tell you what I see in your gray hair?” Magnus simply pouted in response, and yet the man feared he was losing his youth, “I see the vows we made to each other, to grow old together. To go through the stress of raising a child together. I’m reminded that it took me so long to find you, but now I never have to go without you again. We missed out our youth together, but instead we can spend so many more milestones together. I’ll spend the rest of my days as Mr. Lightwood-Bane, and I couldn’t be happier.”

“Well I like that version better I suppose,” Magnus said, “even if it is overly sentimental.”

“I love you,” Alec said and kissed Magnus slow and soft, fingers lightly tracing over the tattoo on Magnus’ pectoral. In addition to wedding rings the couple had returned to Clary for matching tattoos reading, “I promise to choose you.” As compared to the silent appearance of their natural soulmarks, and the pain they had caused, Magnus far preferred his chosen soulmark. In each other’s handwriting was forever tattooed a bit of their vows. These chosen marks had hurt while they were applied, but afterwards Magnus felt like he was finally complete.

“I love you too,” Magnus said, and wrapped his arms around Alexander’s waist, “but I’m still going to buy hair dye in the morning after I take Madzie to have her hair done by Cat.”

Alexander chuckled, “Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this and sticking through it with me, I so very greatly appreciate it! Please keep an eye out for a new Malec fic from me within the next month!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Thanks for reading, I'll be updating once a week with a new chapter. I hope you enjoy it, and if you want to talk to me about it, feel free to message me on tumblr @bisexual-highwarlock


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